


A painful love, is no love at all

by noodlesnoodle



Category: Cyberpunk 2077 (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Pain, Soft Johnny Silverhand, Soft V (Cyberpunk 2077), Trust, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-18 09:13:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29607189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noodlesnoodle/pseuds/noodlesnoodle
Summary: He lied and used her, at this point she should´ve figured it out, that he was just using her. It shouldn´t hurt, but it does. It really does, but what did she expect from a guy like him? That he was going to be nice, compliment her and comfort her? No, she should´ve expect that this was going to happen.´But it´s my fault, right?´She thought about that most of the time, that it was her fault that it had happen. She had chosen to trust him, a stupid choice.He regretted what he´d done. After it had happen she talked to him, with hurt and betrayal in her voice, he snapped out of his anger when she started to talk, he realized what he´d done. He had broken her trust.He was angry because he knew that River Ward wanted her, but he took it out on her, not River.She was the only one that really cared for him and he just threw away everything that they had, the trust, the caring, everything was just... gone and it was his fault. He did it because he was angry, upset and maybe... a little jealous.He wanted her, he needed her, he loved her. But once again he fucked it up, like always. But it was different this time, he was going to fix their friendship.
Relationships: Johnny Silverhand/V
Kudos: 8





	A painful love, is no love at all

V´s pov:  
I was frozen, I was shocked about how I looked. I was in the bathroom, looking at myself through the small mirror. It was cold and dark in there it almost felt like being alone in the world. 

It was so quiet I could hear the low sounds that came from the lamp. That was the only thing that lighted up the room, the lamp was going to break at any moment, it was flickering, and it had a very dim light.

I stood there completely frozen in silence, I didn´t want to move but I didn´t want to just stand there either.

I looked tired, had large dark bags under my eyes and I could of course feel that I was tired, exhausted. Well I wasn´t the only one that could feel it.

I also looked sick like I had a cold or something similar to it. I was pale, almost white, I almost looked like a ghost. I had swollen and red eyes, it looked like I´ve been crying, which I had been doing. I had been crying because of Jackie. He was gone, dead, and it was my fault. I also had a wound on my forehead, it was going to leave a scar, not a big one, but it was still going to leave one. I felt like what I looked like, shit.

“You look like you´re sick y´know.” I didn´t have to turn around to know who it was, Johnny fuckin´ Silverhand. He leaned against the doorway with his biological and his silver arm crossed over his chest. He looked up at the flickering lamp that was hanging from the roof for a moment, before looking down at my face through the small mirror again.

We had eye contact through the mirror, he had his glasses on so I couldn´t see his eyes but I could feel them on mine. We stood there in silence for a moment before I decided to break the silence and speak up.

“Do you want something or are you just gonna stand there?” I mumbled in a soft and calm tone, I wasn´t going to argue when I looked and felt like this, like shit. He furrowed his eyebrows and looked at me through the mirror. He looked irritated, but it only lasted 7 seconds before he relaxed again. He stood up straight so he didn´t lean against the doorway. Then he decided to answer my question, finally.

“Yeah, I want you to get some fuckin´ sleep or you gonna look like shit forever.” He tried to make it sound like some advice but it was more like an order. But he did say it in a rather calm and stern voice. He didn´t wait for an answer, he walked out of there almost immediately. Through the mirror I looked away from the doorway and bent down to get my first aid kit, needed to clean the wound before I did anything else.

___________

I woke up the day after with a terrible headache, it was pounding, it felt like being a door when the police would stand outside and banging on it for dear life. I sat up and threw my legs over the bed´s edge. I rubbed my fingers very gently at my temples I sat there for a moment before I started to talk quietly to myself.

“Oh fuck.” I still hadn´t opened my eyes, they still hurt from yesterday´s crying. So, when Johnny glitched in without me knowing and started to talk I flinched a little.

“Are you okay? You don´t look so hot.” and he also added a snort at the end, I forgot for a second that he was in my head, thought it was some crazy ass dream. 

I opened my eyes and looked at him with a look that basically said ´Right… you´re here.´

“You need to get up, we still got our little problem, y´know I´m still in your head.” He ordered with a chuckle, he knew I wanted to stay in bed and sleep all day, but I had things to do.

“Don´t give a shit.” I didn´t mean it, he wasn´t the only one who wanted him out of my head. Trust me I wanted it too. I was just tired and still sad because of what happen to Jackie. I mean I had the right to be sad, it hadn´t been a long time since he died.

I didn´t want to get the fuck out of bed, I felt like shit, first because of Jackie and it was my fault but also felt like that because I still hadn´t recover. 

And for the first time in months the bed felt like it was heaven, it felt so soft and it was so comfortable, it felt comforting. But I had shit to do, so I had to get up.

I looked down at my feet for a second before starting to stand up. I was a little dizzy so I almost fell. But of course Johnny had to be fast enough to grab my upper arm with his biological arm in a firm grip.

It was on verge to hurting. God he was strong even if he was in a biochip and not even there in real life, just in my head. And then it hit me, ´how can I feel his touch?´.

He grabbed me because of his reflexes, but not gonna lie, it helped.

I was a bit shocked when he reacted that way, thought he was going to let me fall to the ground and then laugh about it. Because, well what I´ve heard of him is that he is an ass who just cares about himself. 

He held his grip around my upper arm steady and he didn´t move. I wanted him to let go because… well we didn´t know each other that well, and I mean he had tried to kill me. 

Some seconds pass and then I stood steady enough for him to let go, but he didn´t. He still held his firm grip around my upper arm and after some seconds of waiting for him to let go his grip tightened a bit.

I tried to shake my arm that he held lightly to catch his attention but it didn´t work. I looked at him with furrowed eyebrows, I looked confused, because well… I was confused. 

He stood completely still while looking down at his own hand, which still had a grip on my arm, he looked at it with a “scared” look. He almost looked a little traumatized. I thought he looked at it that way because he knew it was weird that he could touch me and maybe even feel my heat.

He had slapped me some hours ago but I guess we didn´t had thought about it. So… that means he can feel me and also… hurt me.

I also thought it was weird that I could feel his warmth and feel his touch too but still, he looked for a really long time and didn´t move a muscle. After 3 whole minuets he still hadn´t move. I started to get a little concerned, not that I would care, but still... 

“Johnny… uhm you can let go…” I insisted in a very low and unsure voice. I was still looking at him with a confused look but this time it also had a bit of concern in it. He looked up at me with a confused look like he didn´t know we had almost stood there for 4 minutes.

He looked down at his feet. Then he shook his head very lightly and let go of my now sore arm.

I looked down at my arm where he had held his grip for probably around 4 minutes. It was almost bruised, it was a mixture of red and purple. It was sore and I knew that it was going to leave a bruise. But honestly, I didn´t care in that moment.

“Get ready…” He said it in a whisper, so I could barely hear him say it. I could tell that he was confused, I could tell he was because of his unsure voice and his narrowed eyebrows. 

He was still looking down at his feet when he walked 2 steps back and glitched out. The fuck was that all about. I let it go and walked to the bathroom to get ready. 

_____________

I walked out of the apartment, only getting a few feet before my holo started to ring, it was Takemura.

“Takemura here.” He said in a plain tone didn´t sound like he was happy but didn´t sound angry either. Then he continued “We must meet. Come to Tom´s Diner.” But this time he said it in a stern and determined voice. 

I still had the headache, the same one I had this morning, so it hurt when he spoke just a little louder than usual. It felt like someone had a renovation going on in my head. I took a moment to pull myself together then I answered.

“Hmm… why would I do that?” I asked in a simple tone. I knew this guy wouldn´t let me skip this “meeting” even if I told him I had a headache. 

I wanted to throw up because of the pain, it was uncontrollable, I didn´t want him to know that I had a headache. I don´t know why I didn´t want that but…it just didn´t feel right. He was quiet for a second but then fast replied.

“Because I am the one who saved you.” Well he had a point, the least I could do was meeting up with him but not... right now.

“Haven´t managed to get my head straight yet, not after everything that happened.” I tried to convince him that we could meet some other day. ´Fuck this is gonna be a long day´ I thought for myself. Takemura being Takemura, he didn´t care.

“That will not happen anytime soon. And so what?” He said before kept going “If you intend to live, you must reenter the ring. The bell has already tolled.” I really hated this guy, like wow he couldn´t even let me rest one fuckin´ day after all that had happen. He once again kept going “Tom´s Diner. I am waiting.” He ordered in a confident voice, like he knew I was going to come to the diner.

After that he just hung up. Fuck, did I even have a choice?

___________

The meeting with Takemura went well, at least better than she expected it to. Johnny had been quiet this time, we´ll see if that lasts long. He only showed up when Takemura left. 

He took Takemura´s seat and complained ´bout that Takemura was a corpo and just used me to get back on his feet. I didn´t care if he used me, he could at least help me get Johnny out of my head, I just wanted him out of my head as soon as possible. It had only been some hours and I was already done with him.

So I just sat there and listened to his complains, well ignored what he said and talked about but waited until he was done speaking.

“You´re done complaining?” I asked with a sigh and looked back at him, I had most of the time looked outside the window at the people who walked in peace to their job, home, whatever. He looked at me with an irritated look, he knew I hadn´t listened to him, I could feel it, I was already starting to get on his nerves.

Even if he just complained he really wanted me to listen to what he said. He stared at me for a while before he glitched out without another word. 

I could feel his emotions just like he could feel mine, and I felt hurt, he was disappointed that I hadn´t listen. Not the disappointment that say ´imma so disappointed in ya´ more like the type ´Wow you´re just like everybody else, no one listens.´.

Yeah you could say that I felt a little bad for him or maybe even a little guilty. I didn´t want to be disrespectful, I was just so tired of people trying to tell me what to do and who to trust and all that crap.

When he was gone, I froze for a moment, I felt bad. After some minutes I stood up from my seat, when I stood on my feet’s my head started to pound and I got dizzy.

“Oh fuck.” I said in a gentle whisper, I tried to pull myself together but it didn´t work that well...

“If you ain´t gonna buy anything else get the hell out of here.” The chef said, damn he was an angry man. That chef was also “rude” to Takemura when he wanted to watch some corpo-shit on the TV.

I walked out of the restaurant and the dizziness started to fade away. But then a motherfucker came runnin´ towards me. I hadn´t the reflexes to move out of the way obviously when I still was a bit dizzy and had a headache so the person ran right into me and I fell to the ground with a loud groan.

“Hey! Move out of the fucking way!” The man looked behind him and saw me on the ground, he narrowed his eyebrows before turning around and continued to ran. He couldn´t even help me up, fuckin´ ass. ´Fuck this was going to be a long day´. I reminded myself.

____________

So, I needed to track down this man, Hellman. Takemura told me I should find Rogue Amendiares and of course Johnny knew her. She was his ex.

When I arrived at the Afterlife, I looked around for her for a moment but I almost immediately saw her sitting in a small room with some other people. I walked up to the guard that was guarding the doorway to Rogue. But before I even could ask if I could talk to Rogue another woman hit his shoulder with her own and walked out of the room Rouge was in, she even said.

“Do you know what, Rogue? Go fuck yourself.” Damn that girl must´ve had some guts because of what I´ve heard of Rogue she is… all I´m saying is that you don´t want to fuck with her. The woman walked some feet away before continuing.

“Be careful who you bargain with.” Well this time she talked to me and not Rogue.

I furrowed my eyebrows before I looked at Rogue. I didn´t have time for some guard so I completely ignored the guard and started to talk to Rogue.

“Rogue? Wanted to talk.” I said while waving a little with my hand through the air. The guard looked behind him at Rogue, he wanted to have a confirm from her, so he was 100% sure it was okay to let me in. Rogue look at the guard then at me before confirming.

“It´s ok.” She said, while waving one of her hands through the cold air, it was almost always cold at the Afterlife. She looked back at a guy and two girls she had been talking to, she continued to listen to what the guy said.

The guard moved out of my way and I walked up to Rogue. I leaned against the table that was standing in the middle of the room, well I touched it didn´t really lean onto it. Rogue looked up at me again before shifting lightly to her right, where I stood and started to talk.

“Hm. Not here, not there. Who´re you?” She asked before putting her hand on the couch´s neck rest. I looked at her with a plain face and said without hesitation.

“Name´s V.” I said simply. She looked at me for a second before asking.

“And what is it you want, V?” She looked at me with a face that screamed she tried to read my emotions but didn´t know how, because y´know… pokerface?

Then Johnny decided to show up, he didn´t even wait for someone to talk, he started to talk as soon as he showed up.

“All these years… It´s really her. Fuckin´ Rogue, just kickin´ it back on a couch at the Afterlife.” He jumped up at the couch and sat down in the right corner on the neck rest, of course. He could never sit properly. Then I was about to answer Rogue but he cut me off.

“Don´t mess with ´er. She´s got MR-eyes. See right through you. Give ´er the truth.” Well she couldn´t read me at my emotions but she can see through my lies? Wow this is going to be interesting.

I looked at him for a moment before looking back at Rogue and answered her question.

“Need your services. Gotta track a guy down.” I tried to make it sound like a question but it wasn´t a question.  
So I didn´t lie to her about why I needed help but I didn´t want her to have all the information about the relic. Because well she´s Johnny´s ex and ex´s are for a reason. They´ve broken up. Didn´t trust her didn´t need to either.

“Mhm?” She wanted me to continue, but why not just stay quiet? Of course I rather stay quiet than tell my tumor´s ex-girlfriend that I have her ex in my head. So… I stayed quiet.

She looked at me and I could not just stay quiet one more time, I really needed her help. She needed to know who I was searching for.

“Anders Hellman. Hot-shot engineer. Worked for Arasaka.” I said, I knew I had to give her something to work with.

___________  
Talking with Rogue went well, I got what I came for at least. I needed to contact a woman named Panam Palmer. Rogue told me she could help me with my… little problem. 

I walked out of the Afterlife pretty pleased that I got help to find Hellman, but then I remembered I had to pay 15,000 dollars to get that help. But it didn´t matter now, I got what I came for. 

I stood outside scrolling through my contacts to look for ´Panam Palmer´.

It was pretty quiet outside for being Night city, the only sound was from some teenagers talking in the left corner of the parking lot. 

Rogue had given me Palmer´s holo so I could reach out to her. When I finally found her contact, I almost pushed the ´call´ button but then I decided against it. I needed to think about what I was going to say.

I thought for a moment but then called her, it rang for a some seconds before she answered.

___________ 

Panam didn´t sound happy when she heard she had to help me because of Rogue. And I could understand why, she was the girl that was walking out of Rogue´s room when I came to the Afterlife. But let me say that girl isn´t shy, she´s a badass.

I was going to meet her at some place, she sent me the location but didn´t recognize it. But before I meet her I am going to meet up with Judy and talk about Evelyn. I could use some help from her too. I mean Evelyn was the one that wanted the relic and all that shit so I suppose she has to know how to get it out. 

I called my car and started to head to Lizzie´s bar. I didn´t know if Judy was there but I supposed she was because she works there. 

I sat in silence and drove on the now pretty empty road. But then I got a call from Mama Welles. She told me that I had a surprise outside of my apartment. 

I still was on my way to Lizzie´s but decided to go there to check what it was first. 

I took the elevator up to my floor and started to walk to my apartment. I walked in a slow motion because I didn´t know if I really wanted to know what it was. I didn´t like surprises. 

I walked up to my apartment door and it was then I saw the box. I crouched down and looked at it.  
´Jackie would´ve wanted you to have this. Hope I see you soon Valarie.´ I knew that Mama Welles liked to use my real name, but me on the other side, not so much. I have the name V for a reason.

There weren´t much people around me but I still decided to walk inside and open it inside of the apartment. I walked inside and walked over to my bed. I sat down at the edge of the bed with the little box in my lap.

I opened the box slowly, and then I saw it… the keys. The keys to Jackie´s arch. Jackie really loved this arch and I don´t deserve it. I mean Mama Welles should be angry at me because well… it was my fault her son died. I should´ve been the one in that car to die, he had so much to live for. His girlfriend, mother, friends, everything. I basically had nothing to live for. 

He wanted to live his life as a ´night city legend´. But he also wanted to get out of this city with his lovely girlfriend, and just… live his life. Maybe start a family, but whatever he wanted to do with his life he deserved to be alive. I didn´t.

I would´ve done anything to get Jackie back. He deserved to be with his family and girlfriend, to live and get to grow old with Misty and maybe also if he was really lucky see his kids grow up. 

But I didn´t have that dream, I didn´t want kids or start a family. I don´t even want kids, not interested. Man, I don´t even have anyone that loves me that much that the would´ve wanted to have kids with me. 

Damn I´m fucking lonely. And before I knew it, I felt the warm and wet tears roll down my cheeks. I hadn´t even realized that I had started to cry. Before I even had the chance to dry the tears off, Johnny showed up in front of me. 

He was kneeling so he was the same height as me. He tried to make eye contact with me, I looked in his eyes for a second but then looked away quickly. I thought he was going to judge me for being sad. I looked down at my lap at the keys that was laying in the box.

“Are you okay?” he mumbled in a soft tone, he sounded almost like he was sorry. He wasn´t going to judge me? I was confused why he didn´t say something mean. I just looked down at the keys, didn´t move, didn´t talk.

“Hey, I am going to be in your head for a while. You can talk to me, it isn´t like I´m going anywhere.” He insisted, trying again to get eye contact. Was he actually for real? Did he really mean that he was going to listen to me having a mental break down? 

“I may not be the person you would prefer to have in your head, but now were here, you help me get a second chance in life and I help you to get back on your feet. Help you to live your life.” He said the last bit with a grin, it was a joke, he tried to lighten the moment.

“Oh haha very funny.” I said with a chuckle and also a little smile, he smiled back. Well it wasn´t a big smile, but it was a smile. Johnny Silverhand smiling? That was a new one, but I liked that one, it was my new favorite.

“Your knew favorite Silverhand? The fuck do you mean? I´m always like this.” I felt the panic in his voice. I just smirked at that and answered.

“Yeah you can keep telling yourself that.” He looked at me with a death glare, he really didn´t want to admit that he just smiled, after 50 years. After a moment he looked away from me and rolled his eyes. 

“Well I need to get to Lizzie´s bar now.” I said while moving to the side of the bed and stood up, I didn´t want to walk right through him so that´s why I moved to the side. I could´ve just stand and walk right through him but I decided against it, I mean he did “comfort” me in one way.  
Wow, he comforted me.

( Author´s note:  
This chapter was kind of bad and I know it. But I have very much in school so I don´t have time to rewrite it. But here is the first chapter, hope you like it and have patience to wait for the next chapter!)


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